we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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