There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The air was thick with penises
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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