SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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