When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
