just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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