woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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