tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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