I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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