At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
