I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
