sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
