if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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