so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
