he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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