tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
