the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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