I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
