You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
