I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
