Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
