i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
