I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
