Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
