Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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