just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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