It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
