My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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