I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
