nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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