he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
