Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
