I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
