sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
