you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She bit a glass in half.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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