so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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