I'm lost and stupid without you.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
