They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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