I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
