we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
