i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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