I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
