so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
