My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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