2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
