Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
this will be a night to untag.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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