You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
