I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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