I smell stomach acid.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
