: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Don't make out with my wife yet
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
