1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
